October 29, 2015

I'm 7-0 In My Fantasy Football


“After the last debate I was told I didn’t smile enough.” -Mystery Republican Candidate (can you guess who?)


Republicans Take On CNBC, The World Series Wins

The Republican Presidential debate competed with the World Series game for American TV airtime. The candidates channeled their ire toward the CNBC moderators instead of each other for most of the debate, questioning the accuracy and bias in their questions. Below are some of the highlights:
  • Sen. Marco Rubio (Florida): Drew the biggest cheers of the night, shutting down Jeb, defending his record in Florida and in the Senate, challenging the moderators and making a clear case for why he would be the ideal front-runner.
  • Sen. Ted Cruz (Texas): Almost physically attacked the moderators for being too “liberal.” Described the difficulties of being a single mother and his love of freedom.
  • Donald Trump (Trump): Responded to questions about guns, jobs and all other questions by talking about his billions of dollars. Also sometimes carries a gun around New York. Be afraid. Managed to negotiate debate duration down by 15 minutes.
  • Dr. Ben Carson (Neurosurgeon): Responded in his zen-like way to attacks about his links to oil, his views on homosexuality and his tax plan. Attacked political correctness but thanked the audience for “noticing the questions.” Err… okay.
  • Carly Fiorina (Hewlett-Packard): Said her greatest weakness was not smiling enough. Defended her time at Hewlett-Packard which resulted in her getting fired. Argued she was qualified to be President as she had faced extreme scrutiny as a CEO. 
  • Ex-Gov. Jeb Bush (Florida): After an hour-long vow of silence, he revealed that he is 7-0 in his fantasy league. Also had a sparring match with Rubio, accusing him of working a “French work week” and not showing up to work. 
  • Chris Christie (New Jersey): Stared directly into the camera to passionately say something. We’re not sure what he said, but it actually looked quite good. 
Huckabee, Kasich and Paul were also at the debate, but, aside from talking about Trump ties and expressing their frustration at lack of airtime, they were not able to leave much of an impression during the two hours.



Paul ‘I Don’t Want To Become Speaker’ Ryan Nominated As Speaker

The 45-year-old Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan was nominated to serve as Speaker of the House, the youngest Speaker since the Civil War. He was nominated despite his repeated assertions that he didn’t want the job. He agreed to the job after assurances that he would still get family time. Ryan endorsed the Boehner budget in his last vote before taking the role. The budget will make his job as Speaker much easier.


Iran Accepts Invite To Tense Dinner On Syria

Iran graciously accepted an invitation by the US to join talks on ending the Syrian Civil War. The talks will be held in Vienna on Friday, and it is the first time that Iran has been invited. The talks are expected to be tense because of the number of countries that are busy bombing Syria. So far, none of the previous summits on Syria have come close to ending the conflict, so it would be naive to hope this one will either.

Classroom Assault Officer Fired 

Senior Deputy Ben Fields has been fired after a video emerged of him violently throwing a female student across a classroom. The County Sheriff stated that he “did not follow procedure” and that “he was not trained to throw the student.” The widely publicized video prompted the hashtag #AssaultAtSpringValleyHigh. It also emerged that legal action had been taken three times against the officer.

Portugal: Another Crisis For Europe To Not Solve

Portugal entered a political abyss when President Silva charged the center-right leader Passos Coelho with forming a government despite the fact that he couldn’t get a majority of parliamentarians to support him. Socialist leader António Costa, who has the support of the Communist party and a far-left faction, has threatened to collapse the government by blocking a vote on Coelho’s government blueprint program…. Game on Portugal. 

Keeping Our Eye On…

  • Prince Harry: The British Royal met with the First Lady and President Obama yesterday as part of his promotion of his Invictus military games series. This was probably less fun than his time in Vegas.
  • Nepal Elects Communist: Bidhya Devi Bhandari, a Communist campaigner and a leading figure in the ending of the 240-year Hindu monarchy in the birthplace of Buddha, has been elected as the country’s first female President.  
  • US Takes IS: Defense Secretary Ashton Carter indicated an escalation in US efforts against the Islamic State, including more air strikes against “high-value targets” and direct ground raids. 



Military Blimp Makes Break For Freedom 

A military JLENS blimp (a big bag full of air) decided it didn’t like being tethered down and made a break for freedom yesterday in Maryland. The blimp was associated with NORAD’s “surveillance of the East Coast” and was intended to protect the US mainland from a missile attack. Two F-16E fighter jets were scrambled but were not needed as the blimp deflated. This reminds us of when a giant inflatable Minion went on the run in Dublin in April. 

Oh snap, Jeb, Rubio just shut you down.
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