November 19, 2015

Insult Me To My Face




Ben Carson’s advisors are having trouble getting him to say “one iota of intelligent information” on foreign affairs. Even domestically Mr Carson can’t seem to draw his own country. Amazing.


A Global War Against ISIS

Fallout In France
Police have been working around the clock to determine if the man who died during last night’s raid was Abdelhamid Abaaoud, the man believed to be behind last Friday’s Paris attack that killed 129 people. Police used 5,000 rounds of ammunition during the raid and are unsure if there are one or two bodies still in the building. 

In a separate incident in Marseille, in the South of France, three ISIS supporters stabbed a Jewish teacher. The police are looking for the attackers, one of whom was wearing an ISIS t-shirt (yes, you read that right).

The Wrath Of Russia
Russia began coordinating anti-ISIS attacks with France (a US ally and NATO member) in the biggest sign that the war against ISIS was helping Russia and the West overcome rifts opened by the Ukraine crisis. ISIS responded by releasing a video of the home made bomb they used to bring down the Russian airliner (they used a soda can… comforting).

A Rumble Over Refugees
President Obama threatened to veto any legislation that might suspend the refugee program for Syrians and Iraqis escaping ISIS. Ted Cruz took it as an opportunity to throw down the gauntlet, challenging Obama to “come back and insult me to my face.”  The refugee debate has also unsettled the democrats, driving a rift through the party.  


Fed Decides To Stop Decade-Long Game Of Playing Hard To Get

US stocks rose after the US Federal Reserve’s October meeting minutes showed the possibility of a rise in interest rates for the first time in a decade. The likelihood increased following solid October jobs data. Banks: happy because they can charge more on loans. Savers: happy because they will get a higher rate of return on their savings. Homeowners: unhappy because  they’ll have to pay more for mortgages. 

‘MEH’ READ: The Full Run-Down On Interest Rate Rise


Obama Reassures Pacific Allies By Increasing Weekly Allowance

To kick off a five-day tour of Asia, the President promised an additional $250 Million over the next two years to strengthen the navies of Japan, Indonesia, the Philippines, Malaysia and Vietnam. This is in response to Chinese aggression in the South China Sea, which has left US allies in the region worried that China is making land-grabs and generally being unpleasant. China is not likely to be too worried given its military budget of $200 Billion  

Tinder: What Not To Say Before Your Company IPOs

CEO of Tinder Sean Rad caused some trouble for his parent company, Match Group (that IPOs today), during an interview with the “Evening Standard.” He bragged about his sexual exploits and wealth and reassured us all that he “does not condone penis pictures.” He also mistook sapiosexuality (attraction to intelligence) for sodomy (something completely different) and did a background check on a female journalist… cool story, brah.

GREAT READ: The Full Interview With Sean Rad


Keeping Our Eye On…

  • Boko Haram: The organization that has wreaked havoc in Nigeria was ranked the deadliest terror group in the world, responsible for more deaths in 2014 than ISIS.
  • Square Inc.: Twitter founder Jack Dorsey’s startup’s IPO offering came in at $9, less than the $11 to $13 range projected. With a market value of $3 billion, the shares are set to begin trading today. 
  • Ta-Nehisi Coates: He won the National Book Award for his bestseller “Between the World and Me” about being black in America. The book has resonated with people in light of the many police shootings of black Americans.



Please Stop ‘Spocking’ My Bank Notes 

The art of “Spocking,” or drawing pointy ears on bank notes to look like a Star Trek Vulcan, has become a major issue in Canada. Since the death of Star Trek actor Leonard Nimoy, Trekkies have been “Spocking” Canada’s seventh Prime Minister Sir Wilfrid Laurier who appears on banknotes. The phenomenon has proved highly addictive, even reaching Scotland. Live long and stop defacing money.
Zoolander… back and better than ever.
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Yes, I want to sound marginally more intelligent: