PNUT GALLERY

Not all free trade agreements are created equal. Read Daily Pnut CEO’s piece on why TTIP might not be the best idea.

IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READ

Former House Speaker Sentenced To PrisonFormer Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was sentenced to 15 months in prison and ordered to pay $250,000 to a victims’ fund. He pleaded guilty to providing hush money to a victim after being accused of sexually abusing young boys during his former teaching days. Hastert has admitted to abusing at least one boy, which has lead many critics to argue that 15 months is a paltry sentencing. Once he is out of jail, he will also serve an additional two years of supervised release.
GOOD READ: The Path To A Sentence For Dennis Hastert
Australia Will Close Its Immigrant Detention Center Papua New Guinea Prime Minister Peter O’Neill has announced that he will close the immigrant detention center that Australia was using on Manus Island. Australia has been sending asylum seekers to the island as part of its offshore processing policy, but the PNG Supreme Court has ruled that detaining people in such a camp was unconstitutional. Australia was funding PNG and Nauru to operate the offshore detention center, giving it a distinct Guantanamo vibe to the international community. Currently, over 850 people are held on the island. 

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

#pnut4prez: Cruz/Fiorina For Alternate Universe 2016Ted Cruz cannot take a hint. The possible Zodiac-Killer-turned-Texas-Senator won a whopping three delegates on Tuesday, which may not be “empty handed” but it’s still less than a handful. It’s pretty much clear at this point that Ted Cruz is mathematically eliminated from the race unless the GOP holds a brokered convention. So what does he do? Step down? Admit defeat? Nah. He picks a Vice President. Cruz has brought on Carly Fiorina as his running mate in a last ditch effort to regain momentum, forgetting how little momentum she brought when she ran against him months ago.  

PNUT READ: Our Guide To The Campaign Trail

Venezuela Doesn’t Have Enough Money To Pay For Its Money Don’t you wish it was Friday already? Move to Venezuela, where the economic crisis is so severe that President Madura declared a two-day work week so that the government saves energy and money. Apparently the very act of showing up to work is draining on the country’s resources. Let that sink in: the government thinks it would destroy less value by simply not functioning. The government is now so broke that it can’t even pay for the paper it needs to print more money so that it can pretend it isn’t broke. 

US Congress ‘Does Something’ For The Environment… KindaIn an effort to save the bison as it nears extinction, Congress passed the National Bison Legacy Act, making bison the “first national mammal” that will join symbolic rank with the bald eagle. The honor doesn’t actually confer any new protections, but is meant to remind Americans of their storied past with the animal… like how bison-killing contests used to be an American pastime. In fact, one guy from Kansas still holds the title for shooting 120 bison in just 40 minutes. Sure, Congress didn’t pass legislation that supports any real conservation efforts, but we’re sure the bison think it’s a nice gesture.  

GOOD READ: The Bison Roundup The Government Wants To Hide

Keeping Our Eye On…

• France: Belgian authorities have transferred custody of Salah Abdeslam, the 26-year-old suspect in November’s Paris attacks, over to France. It already doesn’t look good for Abdeslam. According to his lawyer, he’s a “little jerk.”
• Iraq: The Iraqi Communications and Media Commission shut down Al Jazeera’s Baghdad bureau and banned its journalists from reporting in the country. The country has yet to give an official reason, leaving journalists “shocked and bewildered.”
• Russia: A rather grumpy Putin lambasted space officials after the Soyuz launch was called off due to several “hitches.” The second attempt to launch is scheduled for today. 

LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

Japan Releases Guide To Teach Tourists Manners“Welcome to Japan! Now please stop being an asshole,” is essentially the new brochure the Japanese tourism board published this week. With cartoons of blonde people burping, farting and talking loudly, the pamphlet not-so-subtly hints at the major disruptors of Japanese tranquility. An earlier version was hit with criticism last year when tourists found it condescending. Although Japan enjoys a diverse body of tourists, the brochure was only produced in English and Chinese.