DNC Part Three: The Malarkey

Remember the Ice Bucket Challenge? Turns out, it wasn’t just “Slactivism” after all. In fact, it funded an ALS breakthrough.

Tonight’s rendition of the Democratic National Convention was brought to you by “Biden, Bloomberg, Kaine and Obama,” the barbershop quartet of politics. Vice President Joe Biden gave us an emotional speech of loss and triumph, giving us a fresh set of “Middle Class Joe”-isms and insults taken straight out of barbershop from Truman years. Former New York City Mayor, former Democrat, former Republican and current Independent Mike Bloomberg reminded us that Donald Trump is a second-rate New York City billionaire – and Mike would know.

And then we got to know Clinton’s VP pick, Virginia Senator Tim Kaine. A man of faith, a man of family, and man of dad-jokes in not one but two languages. Not only did he dazzle the crowd with his Spanish skills, he taught them a few phrases. Kaine led the audience in a chant of “Sí, se puede,” loosely translated to “Yes, we can.” It wasn’t lost on anyone that Kaine got the room to speak Spanish while Trump wins the crowds with talks of walls.

President Barack Obama closed the night to huge cheers and even a few chants of “four more years!” He recycled a few jokes about his graying hair and reminisced about the good times. After a rousing endorsement of Hillary Clinton, he went after Donald Trump, criticizing his disregard for the working class and his “cozying up” to Russian President Vladimir Putin – a budding bromance that took a near-treasonous turn yesterday. Obama tried to win over Trump supporters with the reminder that “America is already great. America is already strong. And I promise you, our strength, our greatness, does not depend on Donald Trump.”

A truck bomb in the Kurdish held Northern Syrian town of Qamshli killed 44 people yesterday as ISIS struck back against its most effective foe, the Kurdish militias. The Kurds, with the help of US airstrikes, have steadily rolled ISIS back in Northern Syria and Iraq over the past two years, coming within striking distance of the Caliphate’s capital, Raqqa. Syrian government troops, who are anti-ISIS but also anti-US-backed rebels, cut off all supply lines to Aleppo, Syria’s second city yesterday, settling in for a long siege of the city. This is their fiftieth or so attempt at taking back the city. All previous attempts have been deadly, famine inducing and largely futile.

Good Read: Our Summary Of The Syrian Civil War

Back in May, Venezuelan opposition leaders handed the National Electoral Council (CNE) a petition with almost two million signatures – more than the 194,729 that were needed – calling for the end of President Nicolas Maduro’s leadership. That was Step One of the referendum process. Step Two still hasn’t happened yet, because it somehow slipped the CNE’s mind and they just didn’t get around to verifying the signatures. Fed up with nothing happening, Venezuelan opposition leaders announced yesterday that there will be a march on the CNE headquarters in Caracas. The opposition is accusing CNE of siding with the government and using delaying tactics to try and thwart the referendum. CNE claims they are not slowing down the process… but that statement they promised to make on the referendum status that was due last Tuesday? Yeah, they moved it to August.

Baltimore prosecutors have given up on trying to get a conviction 15 months after Freddie Gray died as a result of injuries sustained while in Police custody. The prosecutor gave up and dropped all charges on the three remaining cops after the first three were acquitted. Maryland Attorney General Marilyn Mosby called the decision “agonizing” and blamed a broken criminal justice system for her inability to get a conviction. Gray’s death marked deep divisions in the city of Baltimore and sparked riots and protests causing Mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake to decide not to seek reelection. Activists worry that the latest developments mean that Gray’s life was lost in vain.

Defying Spain’s constitutional court, pro-independence parties in the Catalan region held a vote and approved a unilateral disconnection plan. Catalan President Carles Puigdemont, a pro-separatist, said he is planning another confidence vote in parliament on September 28, which he expects will bring the region to the “gates of independence.” The move is a blatant challenge to Spain’s constitutional court, who deemed a declaration of intent to create an independent republic illegal. Last November, the Catalan Parliament voted to begin the process of succession from Spain, where many, such as Foreign Affairs Minister Raul Romeva, hoped for a “Scottish-type scenario, where we could negotiate with the state and hold a coordinated and democratic referendum.” Instead, Madrid’s constitutional court responded by unanimously ruling that their vote was invalid and infringing on Spain’s constitution. Now, Catalan is basically saying “we didn’t need your approval anyway,” and will plan their independence day with or without Spain. Something tells us Spain won’t be RSVPing to the party.

In the spirit of “Fine, you hate pea milk? Well have some of THIS,” scientists have recently discovered that the formula the Pacific Beetle Cockroach feeds to its hatchlings may be nutritious for humans. The “milk” is full of protein, fat and sugar, and contains about four times the energy of a cow’s milk. However, the formula is not technically milk, as it takes the form of crystal proteins that are stored in the baby cockroach’s stomach. Cockroach milk is not yet ready to hit food stores, but once it is, we expect there to be lines out the door of our nearest Whole Foods.