Apple Pays Taxes And France’s Hands Are Full

PNUT GALLERY

Companies, start your engines: Google is launching its own ride-sharing service. Uber, Lyft and everyone else should probably be worried.

IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READ

Apple Discovers That You Can’t Escape Death And Taxes

The European Commission ordered Apple to pay Ireland $14.5 billion in owed back taxes. The commission argues that Ireland gave Apple an unfair tax advantage that allowed it to pay only 4% on foreign income (paywall). How did Apple pay such a low tax rate? It convinced the US it was a tax resident in Ireland and then convinced Ireland it was not a tax resident there.

Will Apple actually pay $14.5 billion?

Apple is appealing the ruling by claiming that Ireland didn’t give it an unfair tax loophole because everyone else could have taken advantage of that loophole. Despite this amounting to ~30% of Irish GDP, Ireland is also appealing the ruling because it relies on Apple and other tech companies to use that loophole and base operations in Ireland. The US isn’t happy either because it was hoping Congress would stop fighting long enough to one day tax the $200 billion in cash Apple has stashed abroad. So we guess the answer is: no, they probably won’t pay it.

France Deals With Two Handfuls: Presidents And Prime Ministers

French Economy Minister Emmanuel Macron resigned on Tuesday to pursue his goal of “transforming France,” a vague effort most people think means “run for president.” The 38-year-old former investment banker is popular, if only for criticizing France-isms like their 35-hour work week. If Macron does decide to enter the race, he’ll be joining former President Nicolas Sarkozy and two former Socialist ministers in this already-crowded ring, where each will fight to whittle away at President Francois Hollande’s chances for reelection.

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Manuel Valls stirred controversy with his recent art history gaffe. Attempting to argue that an Islamic headscarf could never be a symbol of French women, Valls looked to the famous 1830 painting Liberty Leading the People. “Marianne has a naked breast because she is feeding the people! She is not veiled, because she is free!” he shouted at a government rally. Art historians and feminists took to the internet to give his art history lesson a D-. “Marianne has a naked breast because it’s an allegory, you cretin” tweeted Mathilde Larrere, a historian of the French revolution and French citizenship.

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

It’s A Good Day To Be A Stanford Bro

Convicted sex offender Brock Turner will be released on Friday, after serving half of his laughable sentence. Earlier this year, Turner, a Stanford University athlete, was caught raping an unconscious woman behind a dumpster and was ultimately found guilty of three felony charges. Although he was facing a maximum sentence of 14 years and minimum sentence of two years, Santa Clara County Superior Court Judge and fellow Stanford alum Aaron Persky gave him just six months in country jail, because obviously the poor kid had been through enough, what with that hangover he must have had. Persky’s verdict was met with national outrage and a campaign was launched to unseat the high-profile judge. Not only will Turner walk free in time for the weekend, but Perksy has now launched his own campaign to fight the backlash, complete with the new website RetainJudgePersky.com.

Is it OK to unseat a judge for one bad decision?

Judge Persky’s supporters don’t think so, which is why his new website could redirect the conversation. However, his critics will argue that Persky was repeatedly too lenient towards men convicted of violence against women and sex crimes, including when he presided over a sexual assault case in civil court. Persky or no Persky, California is taking steps to prevent this sort of thing from happening again. On Monday, lawmakers passed legislation that would close the loophole that allowed the Turner’s paltry sentence. The bill is now headed to Governor Jerry Brown for approval.

Suicide Bomber Exposes China’s Complicated With The ‘Stans’

A suicide bomber rammed his way into the Chinese embassy in the Kyrgyzstani capital Bishkek yesterday killing only himself. Kyrgyzstan is a Central Asian nation that used to be part of the USSR and now shares a long border and ethnic relations with China’s restless Xinjiang province. Xinjiang is home to the Uighur seperatists who are pushing for autonomy from Beijing. The seperatists are thought to have been behind the attack on a Buddhist shrine in Thailand and a mass stabbing attack at the Kunming train station in 2014.

In other ‘Stan’ related news, rumors abound that Uzbekistan’s Dictator Islam Karimov might have died from a stroke, threatening a power struggle between his businesswoman turned pop-star daughter, aka the most “hated woman in the country,” and everyone else.

What Happens At The Pentagon… Stays In Vegas

A new report from the Inspector General of the US Department of Defense reveals that Pentagon officials permitted their employees to use government charge cards at strip clubs and casinos. The scathing 90-page document is poignantly named “DoD Officials Did Not Take Appropriate Action When Notified of Potential Travel Card Misuse at Casinos and Adult Entertainment Establishments,” which just looks great on an official US document. The audit suggests that almost $1 million of government money was spent at casinos, while other employees had the gall to charge the Pentagon for 900 different strip club “work” expenses, making it rain $100,000 of taxpayer money.

KEEPING OUR EYE ON 

North Korea: Reports are now confirming that earlier this month, Kim Jong-un executed two DPRK senior officials using anti-aircraft guns. This method of state-sanctioned killing is actually a favorite technique of his, but the most recent executions would mark the first ordered by Kim from outside his party or the military.

Syria: ISIS announced the death of Abu Muhammad al-Adnani, one of their top leaders overseeing attack strategies. Al-Adnani was allegedly killed near Aleppo, though details remain unclear. The terrorist group is honoring him as one of their longest-serving and most prominent leaders, responsible for attacks overseas.

Gabon: Although the government has not yet announced the presidential election results, they have already deployed police and the military to the streets of Libreville, the capital. With President Ali Bongo and opposition candidate Jean Ping both claiming victories, you can never be too careful.

 LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

New Zealand Hunts For A Legendary Cow Thief

New Zealand police are investigating reports that 500 cows have been stolen from a farm in Canterbury. And while they get to the bottom of that mystery, we’re left with one of our own: how hard can it be to find 500 cows on a piece of land as finite as New Zealand? The cows are reportedly worth at least half a million dollars in total, leaving the farmer feeling hoodwinked and “deeply embarrassed.” Police are encouraging farmers to keep on the look out for cow thieves, so they, too, won’t let 500 cows vanish from their farm.