A Dodgy Iranian Payment And A South African Election

PNUT GALLERY 

Yaasss Queen! Syrian refugee Ninorta Bahno is the first asylum seeker to be crowned Wine Queen, a nearly 50-year-old tradition in Germany. May we all be wine queens this weekend.

 IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READS

 Iran: Was It A Ransom? Was It A ‘Friendly’ Cash Transfer?

President Obama went on the offensive after the Wall Street Journal (paywall) reported that the US delivered wooden pallets with $400 million in Euros and Swiss Francs to Iran at the same time that four US hostages held by the Iranian regime were released. The report set off rumors that the US administration payed a “ransom” to release the hostages, which the administration denies. The government says the truth is infinitely more boring than what people suppose, and that this is actually a decades overdue refund for an arms deal that the US had struck with the Shah before the 1979 revolution.

But what about those wooden pallets with cash?

Of course, any story that involves wooden pallets stacked with Swiss Francs has to be shady and, of course, it presented Trump with a great opportunity to shine the spotlight away from whatever fiasco is going on with his campaign. Trump jumped on the conspiracy bandwagon and claimed that he saw a video of the cash arriving in Iran and presumably Iranian officials rolling around in it. His story, while great, probably isn’t true as no one else seems to have seen this video… classic.

South Africa Parties Harder Than A One-Party System

With most of the votes in, it became clear that South Africa’s ruling ANC wouldn’t be the only party in the race anymore. President Jacob Zuma’s party trailed behind the opposition Democratic Alliance (DA) in Port Elizabeth – where the ANC had been virtually unopposed for the last two decades – as well as in Pretoria and Johannesburg. Losing three cities is the ANC’s biggest political blow since the end of apartheid and could mark a significant shift ahead of the 2019 national election. The ANC may still be in the lead nationally, but Zuma’s frequent corruption scandals have become bad enough to put a few cracks in his once-untouchable party.

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

Afghanistan Just Missed ‘Tourist Destination Of The Year’

A group of tourists on a sightseeing adventure in scenic Afghanistan were ambushed by Taliban gunmen, resulting in six people wounded. The bus of western tourists, packed mostly with Brits and Americans who were just drooling over what this trip would do for their Instagram accounts, were traveling in the Chesht-e-Sharif district. So, it’s easy to infer that the Taliban’s shadow governor in Chesht-e Sharif, Haji Abdurrahman, was behind it. Nobody is shocked that the Taliban was there. Especially not the Afghan Army escort the tourists had to hire. But what the hell were tourists doing there? Who is planning their yearly vacations and thinking, “I hear Afghanistan is lovely and affordable this time of year”?

In Case It Wasn’t Clear, Erdogan Is After That Cleric

Just a day after Turkish President Erdogan was reasonably told by the Council of Europe’s Secretary General to calm down his cleansing of supposed defectors, Turkey issued a formal arrest warrant for US-based cleric Fethullah Gülen. He was formally accused of directly orchestrating the failed coup in July, but we already knew Erdogan had it in for this guy. Turkey previously issued an arrest warrant for him in December 2014 on charges of assembling and directing “an armed terrorist organization” and have frequently called on the US to extradite Gülen. The US is reluctant because everyone’s pretty sure what would happen to Gülen if the US hands him over. Erdogan has already suggested reinstating the death penalty just for the occasion, so things aren’t looking good for this guy.

Facebook Bans Clickbait, You Won’t Believe What Happens Next

After years of bombarding us with articles about shocking cat behavior and weird Disney fan behavior, Facebook has finally decided enough is enough and is rolling out new tools to combat clickbait in our newsfeed. Clickbait is so annoying, people would personally blame Facebook because their friend/cousin/coworker shared these links. Facebook has come under fire recently for allegedly suppressing conservative news and for its role in the “balkanization” of media, allowing people to live in echo chambers that conform to their pre-existing world views. This latest push is part of their overall drive to improve your newsfeed experience, focusing on your friends and family and “authentic communication.” Well, at least as authentic as digital communication can be.

KEEPING OUR EYE ON

France: Michel Amiel, the mayor of Les Pennes-Mirabeau, is threatening to ban a private “burkini party” at an indoor swimming pool in Provence. Beyond the sad irony that the mayor wants to decree what women can and cannot wear at a party and call it “women’s rights,” Amiel’s efforts will most likely be futile. The pool is owned by Speed Water Park, a private organization free to rent its facilities to whomever it wants, even women who don’t wear bikinis.

London: A 19-year old man was arrested on suspicion of murder after the knife attack in central London left one American woman dead and five injured. It is being treated as a spontaneous incident in which the victims were chosen at random. Thus far, police have found no evidence of radicalization in the attack, and the investigation has indicated that the attack was “triggered by mental health issues.”

Zika: Officials in California reported that two babies were born with microcephaly due to the Zika virus. They believe the mothers contracted the disease while abroad. Meanwhile, Florida stepped up measures to combat the spread of the virus despite a possible budget issue.

 LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

 #BrazilNuts: Officials Came In Through The Bathroom Window

The key to a successful Summer Olympics is… well, for starters, a key. In a painfully symbolic start to the Rio Olympics, firemen had to use bolt cutters to pry open the gates of the Maracana stadium, the Olympics’ host venue. Turns out, Rio officials lost the key to the stadium and locked themselves out. You would think someone would have had a spare, but nope. Spectators were lined up for hours while officials scrambled for a way to break in. Even if you have to climb in through a window, the stadium still offers a better time than the water sports, where all it takes is ingesting three teaspoons of water to “almost certainly contract viruses.”

WEEKEND READS

• Read President Obama’s essay on feminism and the world he wants for his daughters.
• Reuters investigates a massive leak of SAT questions and answers…
• “People really open up in the summer”: a photo essay on North Korean seasons.
• Foresight: How Rousseu predicted Donald Trump.
• Would releasing thousands of bats in Miami kill off the Zika virus there? Turn on the Bat-Signal!
• “We ran out of beer”: Stories from the night Nigeria won the Olympic football gold against Argentina.
• Read the official statement from Harvard Republican Club on why they will not support Donald Trump.
• Can’t regret them all: the strange story behind the Pokemon theme song.
• Who was Captain Humayun Khan?
• Grim math: Turns out, only 9% of America chose Trump and Clinton as the nominees.