Apple Outdoes Itself, While Italy Endorses Self-Love.

PNUT GALLERY

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 IN A NUTSHELL: SHOULD READ

Apple Announces Most Amazing iPhone Since Last iPhone

Thousands of people tuned into Apple’s event yesterday to listen to Tim Cook butcher Sweet Home Alabama on “Carpool Karaoke” before giving us all the juicy details about Apple’s new products. Apple unveiled the most amazing iPhone yet, with the most amazing battery life yet and the most amazing camera yet. Generally releasing a new product that’s more amazing than your previous product isn’t an accomplishment, unless of course if you are Microsoft (Windows ME anyone?).

The iPhone 7 is waterproof and comes in black and blacker. It also features “AirPods” instead of earphones as the phone doesn’t have a headphone jack, a decision they labelled as “courageous.” You have to question whether any women were involved in designing this feature as they probably couldn’t imagine digging in their purse for their AirPods. But fear not, for you wussies who don’t want to walk around with two Qtips sticking out of your ears, there is an earphone adaptor you can use. Apple also released a new watch that’s designed to guilt you into working out.

Pnut Poll: How Pissed Are You That Apple Removed The Headphone Jack?

Erdogan Rekindles The Flame With Obama

Growing bored of firing every Turkish employee that has ever disagreed with him, Turkish President Erdogan has returned his attention to Syria. Erdogan said that US President Barack Obama floated the idea of joint action when they met at the G20 Summit in China, suggesting that the US and Turkey were ready to drive out ISIS from Raqqa. The US has yet confirm any plans, but it would be a bold move as Raqqa is often considered the terrorist group’s de facto capital. There are between 250,000-500,000 people living within the city, many of whom are civilians trapped under ISIS rule.

But wait a minute. Isn’t Erdogan still pissed at the US for harboring Fethullah Gulen? Doesn’t Turkey blame the US for the coup? Why would Erdogan be gushing over his chats with Obama and their secret plans? We guess only one rule applies when strategizing in Syria: the enemy of my enemy is my frenemy.

PNUTTY VIDEOS 

The Eurasia Group Foundation takes a quick look into what politicians aren’t talking about when they talk about trade.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is a hit in Carpool Karaoke with James Cordon (and Pharrell).

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

Coming To Europe: Another Wall

The United Kingdom announced plans to fund a wall near the Calais “Jungle” Refugee Camp, giving the French a problematic sense of security as they prevent migrants from trying to get to the UK. The “Great Wall of Calais” will run along both sides of the main road to Calais port and cost the Brits £1.9 million, practically pennies within the larger £17 million security package. Plans for the wall launched several comparisons to the other grievous walls, both from the past and future: at 13 feet high, the Great Wall of Calais will be taller than the Berlin Wall, but not as high as the wall Donald Trump is proposing for Mexico. Beyond the moral implications, British voters are also frustrated with the “poor use” of public money. Home Secretary Amber Rudd deflected that on the French, saying “We support the French with money. […] It’s up to them how they decide to secure their borders in Calais and around it.”

Egypt MP Wants To Punish Women For Male Impotence

Egyptian Member of Parliament Elhamy Agina had a bizarre defense for Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) earlier this week when he encouraged women to undergo the barbaric practice in the (erroneous) belief that it weakens their sex drive. Why should women have to weaken their sex drive though? According to Mr. Agina it’s because Egyptian men are “sexually weak.” Agina cites the spread of viagra and other stimulants (as well as, we suppose, his own personal observation) as “evidence” of this impotency and voices concern that if the practice is banned (which it is in Egypt) Egyptian men might have to perform better in the bedroom. One would think that having a poorly performing sexual partner would be punishment enough for Egyptian women without having to subject them to the barbarity of FGM.

#pnut4prez: Clinton And Trump Almost Go Head-To-Head

NBC didn’t hold back at the Commander-in-Chief forum where Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump almost shared a stage with each other. The two candidates fielded questions from military veterans and active service members in a back-to-back session that tested their mettle as potential Commanders-in-Chief (we assume their changing rooms were separated by a Mexican-paid-for wall). Hillary was forced to answer uncomfortable questions about her handling of classified emails and her support for the Iraq War. Trump delivered his usual: vague promises that he would fix everything that Obama has broken, failing to offer any specifics. Things got especially awkward when he was confronted with a tweet that implied that sexual assault should be expected when women are allowed to serve in the military. The party doesn’t end here. Check back on September 26 for the next presidential debate.

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Denmark Buys The Panama Papers… Even Though They Were Free

Denmark’s recent move to purchase information from the infamous Panama Papers leak goes to show the Danes don’t like cheaters. An anonymous source approached the Danish government over the summer offering a Christmas list of carefully “selected and sifted” information containing a variety of creative ways to tax evade – complete with some 320 Danish cases. The leaked files are being priced at 9 million Danish Kroner ($1.4 million) which wouldn’t seem unreasonable if the ICIJ hadn’t received them for free. Of course, buying essentially private information poses a certain moral conundrum of its own. Danish Taxation Minister Karsten Lauritzen has stated that though they “must take the necessary measures in order to catch tax evaders… there may be fundamental problems associated with buying leaked information.” But it’s ok if they’re catching the bad guys, right?

LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

Italy Rules That Public Masturbation Is Not A Crime

After a 69-year-old man was caught “taking out his penis” and “practicing autoeroticism” in front of students at a local university, Italy’s highest court had the loaded task of deciding his punishment. In making their decision, the judges noted the fact that the Italian parliament passed a law last year decriminalizing the offense of lurking in places frequented by girls in order to be seen masturbating. It was a hard-won fight, but ultimately the court ruled that men can masturbate in public, even if they do it with the clear aim of being seen by other people. Not exactly the ciao bella we want to hear. If Italy suddenly sees a sharp decrease in women-focused tourism, we might know why.

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