September 09, 2016

Gary Johnson Fails Geography, While North Korea Bans Sarcasm.

PNUT GALLERY

No surprise here. After the report of a 5.3-magnitude earthquake in close proximity to its nuclear test site, North Korea is suspected of carrying out its fifth nuclear test. North Korea has yet to verify the claim, but all previous earthquakes in this area have been due to nuclear bomb tests.

IN A NUTSHELL: MUST READ

#pnut4prez: The Independents Are Getting Weirder

If the choice between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump falls between a rock and hard place, the alternative options of Gary Johnson and Jill Stein feel like a four-sided iron cell. The meteoric rise of the independent candidates reached a fever pitch when Jill Stein tried to bring her counter-culture brand to the next level, collecting a warrant for her arrest. Doubling down on her hippie persona, the Green Party candidate allegedly spray-painted construction equipment during a protest against the Dakota Access pipeline. That resulted in North Dakota issuing a warrant for her arrest. Far out.

Stein was quickly making Gary Johnson look like the practical choice for the independent voter until he failed a Geography Bee so brutally, he’s about to become an urban legend in third grades everywhere. When asked a simple question about the conflict in Aleppo, the Libertarian candidate responded: “What is Aleppo?” And to think, his foreign policy could have been lightyears more informed had he just signed up for Daily Pnut. The embarrassing lack of knowledge on Syria drew massive amounts of criticism, and rightfully so. But we got to hand it to Gary… so far, thanks to the #WhatisAleppo hashtag, he’s the only candidate that has made Aleppo a trending topic.

HILARIOUS VIDEO: ‘What Is Aleppo?’

Not Even Aid Providers Want To Deal With The UN

It didn’t sit well with a lot of people that the United Nations awarded tens of millions of dollars in contracts to Syrian President al-Assad’s colleagues. Just one week after the story broke, more than 70 aid groups suspended cooperation with the UN in Syria. The coalition of pissed off aid workers includes some of Syria’s most widely known relief organizations, including the famed and celebrated Syrian Civil Defense, or “White Helmets.” In a letter to the UN (pdf), the 73 groups cited their concerns that Assad has gained too much influence over UN-led relief efforts. The letter demands an immediate investigation into the UN’s operations in the country, saying they can no longer tolerate “manipulation of humanitarian relief efforts by the political interests of the Syrian government.”

NUTS AND BOLTS: SHOULD READ

Russia Receives Its First Biblical Plague In Years

As far as environmental management goes, it is safe to assume that turning a river crimson is pretty poor practice. The Daldykan river, located in Russia’s Kransnoyarsk region, turned a vibrant red after what locals claim was a leak of nickel-copper concentrate from the neighboring Nadezhda plantation. The plantation just so happens to be owned by Norilsk Nickel, the biggest nickel and palladium extractor in the world. Interestingly, a press release from the mining group stated that “the waters show the natural tone” and that there was no evidence of pollution – barring, of course, the extensive biblical discoloration. Locals maintained that this was not the first time that such an event has happened. Clearly concerned, Norilsk Nickel has begun checks of the plantation despite claiming the river is in “regular condition.” Are they looking for evidence of a leak or divine intervention? Perhaps if frogs storm Norilsk next week we will know.

Airbnb Does The Right Thing In The Worst Way

After listening to the barrage of criticism they received over the years, a Harvard study that revealed the metrics behind discriminatory practices and a subsequent lawsuit, Airbnb is finally taking action. The groundbreaking rental website hired prominent advisers – including former US Attorney General Eric Holder – to help formulate anti-bias policies. This yielded a 32-page blueprint to prevent hosts from discriminating guests based on race, age, gender or other characteristics. The changes will go into effect on November 1 and will include a lot of data scientists and researchers sifting through each host’s behavior and discerning patterns. They are doing the right thing, but using a borderline creepy method. There will be other methods beyond stalking each user’s web history on the site at least. There is even a discussion on potentially accelerating the use of instant bookings, which lets renters book places immediately without host approval.

#BrazilNuts: The Paralympics Are Just As Dramatic

The Paralympics are shaping up to be just as lively and entertaining as the Rio Olympics. And it wouldn’t be a sporting event without a little Russian-related drama. The team from Belarus decided that the opening ceremony would be the perfect moment to start a pro-Russia demonstration against the International Paralympic Committee, forgetting that it’s never a good idea to aggravate the host. An official waved a Russian flag in solidarity as the team entered the ceremony, protesting the International Paralympic Committee’s decision to ban Russia from Rio on account of doping charges. Turns out, that guy wasn’t even supposed to be there. “The individual was quickly identified during the ceremony as a guest of the Belarus secretary general who should not have been part of the marching party in the first place,” the IPC announced. Surprising no one, the sports ministry employee who held the pro-Russian protest was forced out of the Paralympic Games.

KEEPING OUR EYE ON

Israel: Officials from the Israeli defense ministry said plans are underway to build another wall, but unlike its counterpart in the West Bank, this will be a wall deep underground along the Gaza border. The sunken barrier will be an effort to thwart underground passageways and supply routes.

France: Living every traveler’s nightmare, 45 people are currently stuck on a series of cable cars high above the glaciers of Mont Blanc in the French Alps. The operation was suspended as night fell and will resume in the morning. Worst camping trip ever.

Washington: President Obama nominated Abid Riaz Qureshi to the United States District Court for the District of Columbia yesterday. If appointed, Qureshi will become the first Muslim-American federal judge.

LOOSE NUTS: FOR YOUR ENJOYMENT

North Korea Bans Sarcasm. No, really.

Kim Jong-un really can’t take a joke, and now nobody else in North Korea will ever again. The North Korean government has forbidden people from making sarcastic comments, fearing that some people out there might only be agreeing with Kim Jong-un ironically. In a series of meetings held across the country, officials told people that sarcastic expressions such as “This is all America’s fault” would be considered unacceptable criticism of the regime.

Don’t worry, Kim! We’re neeeeeever sarcastic when we sing your praises. No, sir.

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