Matt Gaetz, The Onion’s Big Win, DOGE’s Employment Plan, & Polymarket
November 15, 2024
Hello, readers – happy Friday! Today, we’ll be talking about Matt Gaetz (we had to), The Onion’s top-tier trolling, a megafund, Brazil’s bombing, congestion pricing, DOGE’s unpaid employees, and an FBI raid.
Here’s some good news: Dolly Parton’s Dollywood Foundation has made a $4.5 million investment to help launch the Nashville Public Library’s new early literacy program. Also, Palm Springs is set to approve a $27 million reparations agreement with Black and Latino families who were forced out of their homes in the 1960s.
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude.” – Thomas Jefferson
Talk About Inmates Running The Prison
The House Ethics Committee has been investigating Representative Matt Gaetz for years, looking into allegations that the Florida Republican engaged in sexual misconduct and illegal drug use. According to sources familiar with the matter, the committee was set to release the results of its investigation today, but Gaetz resigned from his House seat on Wednesday – just after President-elect Donald Trump announced Gaetz as his pick for Attorney General, putting him in charge of the same Justice Department that investigated him for sex trafficking underage girls.
Given the fact that the Ethics Committee’s report was expected to be extremely critical of Gaetz, it’s not clear that he’ll actually be confirmed by the Senate. The committee hasn’t said if it will release its findings or not, meaning his dirty dealings might still be revealed to the American public.
Just before Trump’s announcement, Gaetz tweeted that there needs to be a “full court press against this WEAPONIZED government,” implying that the House investigation was some sort of political attack on him. “And if that means ABOLISHING every one of the three letter agencies, from the FBI to the ATF, I’m ready to get going!” he added. If he’s confirmed as the head of the Justice Department, he’ll be in charge of both of those agencies.
The Onion Wins, Tears Are Shed
The Onion has purchased the media empire of Alex Jones. Really. The Chicago-based satire outlet snatched up Infowars’ parent company, Free Speech Systems, with the help of a group of Connecticut families. The company was put up for auction as part of Jones’ bankruptcy proceedings, as he owes the families of Sandy Hook shooting victims a whopping $1.5 billion for defamation after claiming the mass shooting never happened and the 26 victims (and their families) are paid actors.
Some of those families chose to give up their portion of the defamation payments to help The Onion complete its purchase. Alex Jones, despite his prominence, was never likely to be able to pay out even close to the $1.5 billion he owed the families, so many were happy to give up their slices of the pie to deliver him a little bit of pain.
The purchase was put on hold late in the day yesterday, as the bankruptcy court in Houston said it would need a week to review the auction process. If the buyout goes through, the Onion will own Infowars, its studio equipment, Jones’ online nutritional supplement store, his domain names, customer data, and a few of the company’s associated social media accounts – but not Jones’ Twitter account.
Why Have Little Pension When Big One Make Richer?
- Britain has announced a new plan to merge many local English and Welsh pension funds into one king-sized “megafund.” The planned merger will combine 86 pension funds holding about 80 billion pounds ($100 billion) of British workers’ retirement savings – the hope is that pooling those funds will allow the “megafund” to unlock new opportunities to make more money for its investors.
- “Larger pension schemes can help achieve better outcomes for savers through economies of scale, stronger governance, negotiating power and additional resources,” said one pension policy expert. According to government projections, the combined pension fund is expected to manage assets worth 500 billion pounds by 2030.
Bombing In Brasilia
- Yesterday morning, a lone attacker detonated multiple bombs outside of Brazil’s Supreme Court building. Nobody was hurt in the attack except the perpetrator, who killed himself with explosives attached to his body. The first explosion took place at 19:30 local time, coming from a car owned by the attacker, and the second blast occurred when a security guard approached the man, who reportedly took off his shirt to reveal that he was wearing explosives.
- Police have identified the bomber as Francisco Wanderley Luiz. In 2020, Luiz ran for local office under the banner of the Liberal Party, which is affiliated with Brazilian ex-President Jair Bolsonaro. “We still don’t know the motive for the crime,” said the director general of Brazil’s Federal Police, but noted that it was being treated as “a terrorist act.” Sitting Brazilian President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva had left the area, which also houses the country’s presidential palace and Congress.
More Mixed Nuts
- Argentina’s president considers exiting Paris agreement with Trump (WaPo, $)
- China’s president will unveil a megaport in Peru, but locals say they’re being left out (AP)
- Delhi air pollution blankets India’s capital in dense smog, sparking emergency measures (CBS)
- 4,000 miners cut off from supplies in underground standoff over illegal mining in South Africa (CBS)
- French prosecutor seeks 5-year jail sentence and ban from office against far right leader (NBC)
Middle East Mixed Nuts
- Human Rights Watch accuses Israel of war crimes in Gaza Strip (AP)
- Israel Strikes Humanitarian Zone in Gaza (NYT, $)
- Israeli strikes intensify on three fronts as talks with Hezbollah reach critical stage (Guardian)
The Big Apple’s Small Toll
- New York Gov. Kathy Hochul has once again given the okay for congestion pricing. The plan would place a $9 toll on most vehicles entering Manhattan during peak hours, down from the $15 toll that Hochul halted earlier this year.
- President-elect Trump is against the idea, so it remains to be seen if it can be passed before he takes office. Drivers who make less than $50,000 a year would be eligible for a 50% discount, and the money will be used to help the city’s aging subway system.
Efficient, But Morally Questionable
- Let’s do one final “what the heck is going on with Elon Musk” story before the weekend. The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) posted on X yesterday seeking to fill its employment ranks, and the job description is…something. Their call to action asked for “super high-IQ small-government revolutionaries willing to work 80+ hours per week on unglamorous cost-cutting.”
- Elon Musk, who is heading up DOGE with Vivek Ramaswamy, said separately, “Indeed, this will be tedious work, make lots of enemies & compensation is zero.” Trump set a deadline of July 4, 2026, for the commission to complete its work, but with a team of unpaid, overworked geniuses, that’s an easy ask, right?
More Nuts In America
- Some hurricane models show Sara could hit Florida. Here’s what forecasters say. (USA Today)
- Florida liberal arts college reinstates ‘wokeness’ course amid furore (Guardian)
- Judges postpone Jan. 6 trials on verge of Trump presidency (Politico)
- A yacht, a hollow book and a ‘war room’: How the FBI ensnared a city’s leaders in a bribery investigation (NBC)
- Food prices worried most voters, but Trump’s plans likely won’t lower their grocery bills (AP)
- Trump promise to repeal Biden climate policies could cost US billions, report finds (Guardian)
The FBI Doesn’t F With Betting
- Last week, money was flying thick and fast as people placed their bets on the winner of Tuesday’s presidential election. Platforms including Polymarket, PredictIt, and Kalshi all allowed users to bet money that Kamala Harris or Donald Trump would become president, with hundreds of millions of dollars staked on the outcome.
- On Wednesday, the FBI raided the home of Polymarket founder Shayne Coplan, confiscating his phone on the way out. Soon after, Coplan took to Twitter to complain about political retaliation – because apparently the FBI cares that people bet on Trump winning?“It’s discouraging that the current administration would seek a last-ditch effort to go after companies they deem to be associated with political opponents,” Coplan wrote in a tweet from his backup phone. “We are deeply committed to being non-partisan, and today is no different, but the incumbents should do some self-reflecting and recognize that taking a more pro-business, pro-startup approach may be what would have changed their fate this election.”
- It’s more likely that the FBI was concerned about U.S. users accessing Polymarket, as it’s currently not allowed to provide its betting services in the country. Despite that ban, thousands of users leading up to the election were easily able to place bets on the platform by using free VPNs.
More Loose Nuts
- Experts testify before lawmakers that the U.S. is running secret UAP programs (NPR)
- Baby red panda dies due to ‘stress caused by fireworks,’ renewing calls to ban their public sale (ABC)
- Mark Zuckerberg sings with T-Pain on ‘Get Low’ remix (TechCrunch)
- Insurers say bear that damaged luxury cars was actually a person in a costume (AP)
- Hiker discovers first trace of entire prehistoric ecosystem in Italian Alps (Guardian)
- World’s largest known coral discovered in Solomon Islands (Guardian)
